Fear of Dying
by Visions Unwanted
Summary: Maybe there is something Heero Yuy is afraid of. - Kayleene


Author Notes: No, I do not own any of the characters. In fact, if I did, this story wouldn't have made it into the final cut.. because it's simply just too..freaky.. to do to anyone. Just don't sue me, because I know I am not the brilliance behind these wonderful characters or the song that I have portrayed in here. The song is "Fear of Dying" - Jack off Jill, and I shall make it known.... JACK OFF JILL OWNS THE SONG, NOT ME! Even though I wish I was talented enough to have written the song... I didn't. So don't sue me because I said the song was mine... because I didn't say it, and it isn't mine. So there. Oh, and this has no relationship pairing whatsoever, so don't get the wrong idea.  ~Kayleene~

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_I'm not afraid of standing still_

_I'm just afraid of being bored.._

_I'm not afraid of speaking my mind_

_I'm just afraid of being ignored._

Heero Yuy lay awake in the middle of the night, feeling the silence envelope him as he lay, staring up at the ceiling. He'd been laying like that for nearly an hour now, listening to the complete and utter silence of his room in the safe house. Thoughts were swimming through his head, as they had been since earlier that evening. They had completed their last mission, meaning that the war had ended. It was an abrupt end to everything Heero had lived for during his entire life. He was a live-for-the-moment fighter.. but his fighting skills were no longer needed from him. They could all go back to living their lives.. be teenagers again.. something he hadn't ever counted on happening. He'd spent his whole life so far just living for the moment and taking what came to him.. but now he was being told that everything he lived for.. every thing he lusted for and needed to keep his sane, disciplined life on the go. Now it was ending... and he was alone. He would be alone for the rest of his life, now.. empty and filled with memories of everything he'd gone through with his teammates. Duo, the overly-hyper one.. the annoying one...well, it was true. Duo was annoying....even though he was the closest thing Heero had had to a friend throughout their long list of missions together. Trowa, the silent one that just sort of... excepted everyone the way they were and left it at that. He was a good friend, never judging any other people until he had all of the facts. Then there was Wufei and Quatre.. Wufei being as silent and cold as Heero himself, but he was easier to set off than Heero had ever been..Judging from the bouts him and Duo had had. Quatre was the sweetest, gentlest of all of them, and it seemed sort of wrong in Heero's mind to corrupt such an innocent being with the War. Then again, Quatre was an amazing friend and fighter.. so maybe he was stable enough to take what the war had put them all through. Maybe.

But now that it was ending, Heero's mind thought of something he had never come to terms with.

Heero had always expected to die in battle, as they all had. They all believe they would die with pride radiating from them in the middle of battle, even though they hadn't thought about it. They never expected the war to just end... nor had they expected to be alive after it. Then he realized something more... he wouldn't be able to live without them. Without his friends, his teammates.. them.. the battles.. the war... he would die alone, without a rush of adrenaline to his brain.. without the fresh, numbing victory of battle, or the sting of defeat. He would die after the war... probably being a little out of his mind from the lack of battle.

He invisioned himself as an old man, sitting in a colony's school room, surrounded by little children and drawling on and on about how he was in the war as the last group of Gundam Pilots to ever fight the war against OZ. Him, old and grey and alone. Alone, on the verge of insane with a weakening body.. then dying. Dying alone, without the glory of battle or the regality of which he had now.. the warrior's stance and appearance that just was him and his Gundam... but he would die without that. Without everything he was sure he would die with... but now, he was determined to die with it..even if it meant...

_I'm not afraid of feeling, and I'm not afraid of trying.._

_I'm just afraid of losing..and I am afraid of dying.._

_Without you, yes I do.._

_And I hope that you do, too._

_Without you, yes I do.._

_Without you, yes I do,_

_And I hope that you do, too._

_Without you, yes I..._

Heero shifted on the bed, lifting himself up into a sitting position, eyes glancing around the pitch black room as if trying to remember forever just what it looked like. He was still fully clothed.. as if he'd known somehow that this night was one when he wouldn't be sleeping. Tired, but cold, eyes took in a deep pictured memory of what his room looked like, before they turned onto the clock. It was just barely on the verge of 2:07 AM, and somehow Heero felt that it was earlier than that. He had just enough time.. to do something he desperately needed to. He stood from the bed, catching his balance as he nearly fell over from the drained feeling in his body. Shifting silently, he shuffled his way toward the door. Opening it silently, he looked down the hallway, toward the living room. There was a faint glow of some sort of light, and he was mildly curious about it. 

Creeping down the hallway, he turned his head just around the corner, greeted with the sight of a TV laying on, and a sleeping Duo snuggled up on the couch tiredly. He shook his head and decided that turning off the TV would not be an option, seeing as Duo would most definitely wake up if he did so...and he did not want to be caught right now. It wasn't really a smart thing to do, anyway. He crept past the couch, managing to make his way into the kitchen. Silently, he pulled open the silverware draw, lifting a steak knife without making a sound. He found a piece of paper and a pen, and scrawled on it. When he was done, he left the paper on the counter. The paper just lay there, waiting until morning to be discovered.

_I'm not afraid of being sick,_

_I'm more afraid of being well.._

_I'm not afraid, put the gun in my hand.._

_I'm just afraid it will hurt like, hurt like Hell.._

_I'm not afraid of screaming, and I'm not afraid of crying.._

_I'm just afraid of forgetting.. and I am afraid of dying.._

Heero crept back to his room, deciding if it were to be done.. it would be done in the right way. He shifted slightly, making a board in the floor creak with the change in weight. He froze for a moment before realizing that the sound had not been loud enough to wake any of the other pilots. He let out a cautious breath and opened his door, walking in and shutting it soundlessly behind him. The red numbers of the clock were the first things his eyes were greeted with, now reading 2:12 AM. He hadn't thought it had taken him that long to get the knife, but he guessed he'd saved a moment or two watching Duo sleeping. It reminded him of the time Duo had insisted they watch a movie together.. some American movie about a man who was a student in the best school for Fighter Pilots in America. It was a rather good movie, Heero admitted, but the best part of the night was seeing Duo fall asleep just at the ending. Out of the two, Duo was most likely to fall asleep in the middle of a movie he insisted they watch. It was rather cute, Heero noted, but he had immediantly put away that thought and refused to think about that aspect of things. Love and emotion of that sort had never been on Heero's agenda of things, but it was simply because the strict teen had always kept his mind on the mission.. and now he was regretting just that. He was regretting that he had focused so completely on missions and his fighting that he'd never thought the war would end.. now he was trapped because there was nothing to fight for anymore.. and he didn't know what to do.

For the first time in his life, Heero Yuy didn't have any idea of what to do...and it was slowly driving him insane.. even if it was only the day after the war had ended. It was driving him insane. and Heero was not one who was as stable as they seemed. He'd work himself overtime and then harder. the only thing keeping him alive would be his natural instinct and drive to succeed.. and he'd succeeded more than he had counted on. Now he was leaning against the door in his bedroom, clenching a steak knife so tightly in his hand that it cut into his skin.. but he didn't notice the pain or the blood running down his hand and onto the floor. His eyes were shut tightly as he suddenly was sweating heavily and panting. He didn't want to die.. he didn't want to die.. but it was driving him to the point that he felt a cold tear streak down his flushed face. It hadn't struck him immediantly.. but then he realized he was holding his breath... then he realized that he was crying. Emotions long ignored welled up in the teen's heart and mind, overloading him all at once. He didn't want to die.. he didn't. But there was nothing for him to do.. he didn't know anything else but the life of battle that he'd focused too much of himself on. He wished he'd given in to Duo's insanity.. he wished that he had tried to make friends more with his teammates. He wished he'd done it all differently.. but he didn't... and that was what was killing him inside right now. It was overwhelming him.. and making his cold, calm and controlling façade just crack and break away. He was crying uncontrollably by now, thoughts still running incoherent in his mind. Did he really want to do this... did he want to die right now, instead of waiting to see if he would die inside and eventually lose his mind? Did he want to be that old man in his thoughts, or did he want to be the dead teenage pilot laying on his bedroom floor with a slit throat?

He didn't know anymore, he didn't know what he wanted to be... but he knew that he didn't want to die. He didn't want it to end.. he didn't want to lose everything he'd thought was his life for the longest of times. He didn't want to lose Duo or Quatre or Trowa or Wufei... he didn't want to go home and go back to school and grow old and die someday. He didn't want it to happen to him, silently praying to God that they could just continue on like this forever.. just live in lies and pretend it was as it used to be.. just pretend.

Finally he noticed the knife in his hand. It had cut so deep it was cutting into the bones of his hand. He opened his eyes, panting as he just stared up at the ceiling. After a moment or so of this silent praying, he lifted his hand to being level with his face and looking at the knife that was embedded into his flesh, cutting. The pain ripped through his senses, finally scaring him beyond any thought of dying.

He let out a yelp, eyes going wide. He stumbled and fell to a kneel away from the door, the hand that had the knife opening wide just before he fell, causing the knife to fall onto the floor, clattering loudly. Blood dripped off of the knife's blade and onto the floor, just as it also fell from Heero's palm. He held his wrist tightly, ducking his head against his own chest and sobbing pathetically.

The yelp had awoken a particular long-haired Gundam Pilot who had been sleeping on the couch, the closest to Heero's room out of all of the pilots. He lifted his head sleepily, mumbling out, "...Heero?"

The pilot of the Deathscythe lifted himself off of the couch, brow furrowing as he yawned slightly and tip-toed to stand outside of Heero's door, worried. "...Heero..?"

He could hear loud sobs coming from within, but there was no sign of an answer. Pausing a moment, wide-eyed and considering why in the world Heero Yuy would be crying, Duo was confused. Heero Yuy didn't cry, let alone use feelings in any normal case. Duo didn't take anything else into consideration, hearing pained whimpers and more sobs through the light wood door. Reaching out, he grabbed the door knob and opened it rather quickly. But what he saw didn't sink in until a few moments later. Heero was curled up and sobbing pathetically on the floor, his clothes stained with blood. The floor was streaked with red, and the knife lay gleaming from the light that the open door now let flood in. More blood..

The #2 Gundam Pilot had seen blood before on many occasions throughout his life, many times. But nothing bothered him as much as this. The sight of Heero crying would've been enough for Duo to act on instinct.. but the sight of Heero's blood staining the floor and his clothes just got to him. And it disturbed him. It disturbed him greatly. He suddenly was pulled out of his daze when his eyes landed on Heero's shaking, sobbing body. He rushed in, ignoring the thought of Heero's blood staining his socks and his own clothing when he kneeled on the floor and wrapped his arms around Heero. "..H-heero... are you okay..??"

Heero shook furiously, only calming slightly when he heard Duo's voice. The arms around him prevented the evil thoughts from coming. He wasn't going to die.. not yet. He buried his face in Duo's chest, sobbing even heavier as he shook his head violently. He pulled away, staring up at Duo with watering, huge, scared cobalt eyes. He stared, then whispered.. "...I-I.. I don't want to die, Duo..... I-I'm scared... to d-die.."

Heero Yuy was afraid to die.. he was afraid to die, and he was finally admitting it.

_Without you, yes I do.._

_And I hope that you do, too._

_Without you, yes I do.._

_Without you, yes I do.._

_And I hope that you do, too_

_Without you, yes I do.._

_Fear of..._

_Fear of...._

_Fear of....._

_Fear of......_

_I'm not afraid of looking ugly.._

_I couldn't care what they say.._

_I'm not afraid of happy endings.._

_I'm just afraid my life won't work that way._

_I'm not afraid of forgiveness, I'll absolve you and everything.._

_I'm not afraid of lying, but I am afraid of dying.._

_Without you, yes I do_

_And I hope that you do, too._

_Without you, yes I do.._

_Without you, all I do is sit and think about you.._

_Without you, yes I........._

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Author Comments: How'd you like it?? ^~; I -so- knew that you would! Well, I do know this is likely to sound like it's Yaoi or something, but the point of the "without you" part, means that without Duo there, he probably would've been even more focused on the missions and the fights than he was WITH Duo there, so he would've been worse off without Duo to lighten him up and save him from killing himself in the end. Because we all know Duo's a laid-back kind of person, ne? *grins* Anyway, I don't really -care- if you hated it or whatever. It's my best work yet, and I'm not going to let it go because someone didn't like my style of writing. Hn. *pouts* And if you didn't like it, then you can bite me. Because I liked it, and I liked writing it. If you liked it... well.. Good for you! ^^ You've got good tastes. See.. *turns to people who don't like the fic* SOMEONE likes it.. *twitchity glare* Neh. No flaming, I hate being covered with fire. *twitchiness* Thank you all! ^^__


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